🧢

7.27.2021

This past week she said out loud

That she’s extraordinarily proud

Of my resilience, my work, of all done by me

Of my willingness to combat OCD

Early in the week, I did a hard thing

Not realizing how much freedom it’d bring

After nearly two years, I remained very scared

But get better, I wouldn’t, if I hadn’t dared

There I sat, across from her

Should I do it? I wondered, I wasn’t sure

Except sure I was, I would reveal

A part of me I wish wasn’t real

It was shame and embarrassment I had to feel

In order to make this not such a big deal

It was accepting that in order to heal

What I would do would be breaking the seal

To step up to bat, to take off my hat

With fear and worry I anxiously sat

But in that moment, I took a big chance

Hoping she’d only take one little glance

I leaned in, I emerged from a dark lonely place

I had come out of hiding in an extra safe space

A space in which it is safe to cry

A space in which it’s not only just I

On the big comfy couch, I felt so small

I wished I could’ve just put up a wall

To hide myself, push my feelings away

But I knew that was not how I’d be okay

Being okay means taking that leap

And seeing the benefits you could reap

Freedom doesn’t come from avoiding hard things

Freedom comes from the joy that life brings

And when one avoids, this joy does not come

And that is a choice made often by some

Leaving them feeling anxious and glum

It’s those feelings to which I chose not to succumb

Life doesn’t bring joy with OCD in command

Believe it or not, I can live a life much more grand

To do this one must welcome an uncomfortable feeling

Despite anxiety being as high as the ceiling

It is this way alone we learn a new way of dealing

It is this way we begin to feel a sense of healing

I knew in that moment what I had to do

To start seeing myself from a whole other view

So, Tuesday morning it was, on the teal couch I sat

And in the last minute of session, I took off my hat

A hat you may think is light as a feather

But for me it’s become more of a tether

Tying me to fear, to embarrassment, and a ton of shame

Keeping me from playing the most important game

The game of life

That with OCD in tow, is full of much strife

A life full of worry, a life full of fear

A life where I’m not mindfully here

Here in the present is where I must be

To be that person I can no longer see

Lost in time, space and thought

In a vicious cycle I’ve been caught

But thanks to her, I have skills I’ve been taught

So how did I escape this dark scary place?

Remind you I will, that it isn’t a race

Everyone goes at their own steady pace

My pace has been slower, it took over a year

For me to overcome my biggest fear

I took off my hat, I came out of hiding

It was a big anxious wave on which I was riding

A flood of emotions rushed to my brain

But finally I felt a lesser sense of pain

In revealing myself, it was freedom I’d gain

Revealed, there I sat, across from Jen

It was no longer a question of why not or when?

All that I felt was a strange sense of zen

In an office that feels like a safe, cozy den

Another piece of my puzzle I’d given away

Still worried about what she might say

But say much she didn’t, and that’s okay, too

I could tell she was thinking, “Yay Sam, go you!”

I couldn’t believe what I had just done

And for a second, I thought, “Maybe this could be fun!”

Though not a race, I’ve definitely run

From feeling, from healing, from having good fun

Having good fun is not easily done

While fighting a battle OCD has seemingly won

Fun is not had when in OCD’s bubble

Yourself you can’t be in such a miserable struggle

To overcome this struggle one must work hard and fight

A new life it could bring, full of joy and delight

So what one must do is reach for the wheel

Sit in the driver’s seat, and feel what they feel

So one can get to what’s actually real

Though it’s uncomfortable feelings this journey brings

It’s about the freedom that’s gained from doing hard things